Author: Don Morgan

Straw Hat and Cane

A couple days later, Orguz put on his gray suit and went with his father to the Russian River  Commercial Restaurant Supply House.

There, he bought a case of Pez dispensers and inserts, a case of Bonomo’s Taffy, wax lips, assorted hard candy, small plastic toys and a ream of sheet cellophane.

He also placed orders with several companies he found in the ad section of a Superman comic.

Later that same week, he got into the wardrobe trailer for the LeeMeng Miniature Circus act and stole a straw hat and cane.

Still, Orguz was barely ready when Jubilee! went on tour that following summer.

Gray Suit

At the end of that tour, he went to Aunt Leila, told her his plans and asked how much it would cost to make a gray suit for him.

Leila laughed out loud but was so tickled by the idea that, two weeks later, she delivered Orguz a gray silk suit, complete with a scarlet hankie for the breast pocket.

He was dumbfounded. It was even more beautiful that he imagined. Orguz dug into his right pocket and pulled out three wadded up five dollar bills and promised that he would see that she had hummus, pita and tea every afternoon until Jubilee! went back on tour.

He took the suit home, bathed and put it on. He sat in it and stood in it. He considered in it, and he spoke in it. He danced in it, and he posed in it.

He stood leaning against the kitchen sink with his left hand on his hip and his right foot balanced on the tip of his toe in it.

He was pleased, but he needed a hat and cane.

Commander Cody

When he was about eight years old, Orguz’ father, Saleh, would occasionally have him run a sandwich or dinner over to another carnie from their grab joint, Aata’s Fancy, near the midway. Sometimes, the hungry carnie would give Orguz a tip or let him keep the change.

Orguz liked having the money. It was ice cream, popularity and importance.

So, he came up with an idea of his own. Before noon and late afternoon, he would tour the midway taking orders from carnies for lunch and dinner which he would then deliver at an agreed upon time for a small surcharge.

And he got Saleh, grudgingly, to give him a discount on the meals he bought.

This idea had its ups and downs. He dumped food, he lost money and, occasionally, there was no one there when he did arrive with the order.

Saleh said nothing, worrying that his son was in for a loss.

Orguz continued to work at his delivery service. His handwriting got better. His memory got better. He paid more attention. He used Bilko’s smile. He brought his wagon into service to carry food, condiments, napkins and plastic knives and forks for his customers.

After a while, he managed to pay Saleh for every meal he ordered, and he started to make a profit.

But Orguz wasn’t satisfied, he wanted his own concession. He wanted an outer space themed candy and ice cream joint. He would put up posters of Commander Cody, Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe and he could sell Atomic Fireballs, M&Ms, all his favorite candy and ice cream.

Even firecrackers, if he could get them.

And he would wear a gray suit, a straw hat and carry a cane like the ones the bally talkers at the kootch and freaks show had.

Orguz Dreams

Orguz was a beautiful child with a lean face, wavy black hair and striking, playful black eyes; the devil’s eyes, Vafa said. Mehmet, his little brother, was darker and heavier, with a brow that was forever set in a frown.

Bilko and Hormat’s daughter, Syeira, had thick, black hair and her skin was a subtle shadowy dark that was very attractive. She also had chubby cheeks and her grin was missing teeth.

During the off-season, if the weather was good, the three of them played down by the river, while either Aata or Hormat watched, did chores or talked.

They played detective, looking for clues along the river bank. Someone might spot a water snake weaving its way through the water. There were birds to chase.

Or they would catch frogs down by the metal bridge, put them in the socks and swing them around over their heads until the frogs peed in terror.

Toward the end of the day, Orguz would sit with his brother, Mehmet, on the river’s edge wearing once white brief underwear that were now filthy from the mud and stare across the water or up at the moon, dreaming.

(A long red Thunderbird passes over the metal bridge, a woman with blond hair sits in the passenger’s seat, her hair streaming in the wind. Orguz glances at Mehmet, and they both smile.)

When the weather was not so good, they had to play games inside the trailers or under an awning between the Ortrar and Dilmac trailers. Sometimes, they listened to records or put on shows for each other.

At night, Orguz would often sit by himself and watch Syeira play with her Barbie and a G.I. Joe. Orguz liked to listen to her whisper stories to herself while she manipulated the dolls.

Orguz loved his father, a quiet, friendly, religious man, but Bilko was his idol.

Bilko had muscles and he was strong. Orguz also thought Bilko was handsome and brave, and he liked the way he handled people with his smile, just like in the movies.

When he was alone, or sitting in the back row of the trailer Jubilee! used for a school house, Orguz would imagine that he and Bilko were flying through the stars in a space ship that looked something like a metal bottle rocket and used a wood burning stove as an engine.

He and Bilko would wear tan uniforms with wide lapels and button down pockets and the kind of caps that pilot’s wore. They would travel to other planets and fight the enemy.

Orguz imagined that, one day, he and Syeira would live on another planet, have a cat, and he would drive to work in a red ThunderBird.

The Water at Russian River

During the winter, when Russian River was its moodiest, Jubilee!’s home office sold water excursion and rafting tours. People came from all over the country to ride the water.

But there was a short period of time when, just after they returned from tour and just before they set off again, the weather was warm and the water was a clear and friendly though earnest flow.

During those times, as the sun went down, the muddy shore behind the Jubilee! back lot was lined with carnie kids in undershorts wiggling their toes in the water.

A short way up the shore, their parents would stand chatting lazily, smoking, eating or sharing a drink. The men in t-shirts, the women in brightly colored light skirts and cotton blouses.

Over the Next Few Years

Bilko moved in with Vafa, his father.

Hormat would not let him back in the trailer or let him spend time with Sara.

Bilko pleaded and raged, he tried to explain that he was in a bar, remembered the card Lori had given him, on a whim he went to see her. It was just something that happened. But he had not done anything really wrong. Nothing.

Hormat wasn’t listening, and, soon, he stopped trying to explain.

When he got back in his car outside Lori’s apartment, he thought himself something of a hero for leaving when he did. But there was no way he tell Hormat about that moment.

He was never ever able to tell anyone, drunk or sober.

It was difficult for Bilko to accept being so abruptly cut off. He had built his life around Hormat, and then Sara.

He felt empty and was often ill. The end of the season brought no change.

Bilko continued to slip the money he had saved and made buying, selling and working on cars through the door on Hormat’s trailer. He explained this to himself in a number of ways, but mostly it was hope.

By the end of the following season, it was duty, continuity and the only way he knew.

Now, Hormat would sometimes talk to him and let him see Sara. Occasionally, but irregularly, they would play backgammon.

Over the next few years, he realized that he could not give up on Hormat because the only dream he had was the one Hormat and Sara gave him.

Late That Night

Bilko stayed and drank until the bar closed.

When he got back to Jubilee! it was late and very dark. And he was drunk. The unlit tents and rides formed eerie patterns among the stars.

A German Shepherd pulling a guard opened the gate for him, saying, “Better get some sleep, Mr. Dilmac. Sun up soon.”

It was going to be daybreak in just a few hours. Tonight was already miserable and tomorrow would be worse. Bilko regretted everything that had happened over the last three days. It seemed like a nightmare.

He staggered toward the rear of a shrouded stick joint and threw up.

And now, he was probably going to have the hangover of his lifetime. He could already feel it in his stomach.

As he neared their trailer, he could see a light on. He had hoped, prayed that Hormat would be asleep. What was he going to say?

Got drunk. Met an old buddy from San Diego and got drunk- that would work. It should work.

When he climbed into the trailer, he saw Hormat sitting, at the table in their tiny kitchenette, knitting.

Bilko headed directly to the small refrigerator they had to get a beer. He washed the taste of vomit out of his mouth and turned timidly toward her.

“You still…,” Bilko started.

“You saw Lori, didn’t you?” Hormat interrupted.

Old buddy, San Diego, could still work, Bilko thought, “Yeah,” he said as cheerily as his surprise would allow him, “ we…”

“Did you fuck her?” Hormat interrupted again, without looking up.

Nothing was going to work. Couldn’t think, smoked too much, had a stuffy nose and he was sick. Bilko surrendered to justice.

“No,” he said shaking his head and looking down. “I am so sorry, Mattie. I don’t know what I was thinking, If I had had a brain in my head, I would never had even seen her.”

“Get out!” Hormat said, getting up. “You don’t live here anymore. Do you hear me? Get out!”

Hormat locked the door behind him as he stumbled off the small porch and into the dark.

That Night

When Bilko left the carnival that afternoon, he was wearing a t-shirt and carried his Pall Malls rolled up in his right arm sleeve.

He thought he should call Lori before going over, so he stopped at a bar near the address on the card she gave him, he could get something to drink, relax and think a little.

It was a quiet place with a billiard table in the rear. The lights were low, a few people talking. The lissome golden spirits he drank tickled his spine and relaxed his neck.

He could talk to a friend if he wanted to, he told himself. He didn’t have to say anything to Hormat. It was his business. He was a living, breathing person, after all.

An image of Lori’s eyes, her expression changing ever so subtly as he enters her, flashed through his mind. No! That wouldn’t happen. It would be the end of everything. So, what was he doing there, anyway?, he asked himself, but the question seemed irrelevant.

Bilko lit a cigarette and withdrew her card from his back pocket. He put it on the bar in front of him, careful not to get it wet, and stared at it for a long time before picking it up.

In front of the pay phone, he was twisting from side to side, nervously passing the phone from hand to hand, patting his stomach and wishing it was smaller. If she didn’t answer on the third ring, he would hang up and go home. He could just go home.

She answered on the second. It was her. That was Lori’s voice, but more real, alive than he remembered it. Bilko stopped for a second, then pushed on.

He coughed out a crusty ‘Hi, its me, Billy!’ and received a delighted response. His arm across his chest, he squeezed his right bicep hard.

If she wasn’t busy…

She wasn’t busy…. Just reading.

Bilko put down the receiver and patted his stomach again, tucking it inside his pants, and left the bar.

On his way to her apartment, he bought some flowers and a small box of candy and a bottle of wine.

He was exterior now, operating his reluctant, but excited body from the outside. He got out of the car, buzzed her apartment, heard the door unbolt and walked up the dimly lit stairs.

Then, she was standing in front of him in bare feet, pajama bottoms and a heavy flannel shirt covered with teddy bears. She raised up on her toes and put her arms around him.

Bilko could feel the full length of her body against his, he picked her up and pulled her close with one hand on her back and the other on her buttocks.

Putting her down, his hands slid from her stomach over the smooth curves of her hips to her legs- it was as though she was wearing nothing at all.

He grinned.

She took the gifts inside to the coffee table in front of the couch.

“Well, come in, Billy,” she said, smiling at the man at the door.

Bilko flushed a little and laughed, his hands were sweaty. He walked to the couch and sat, watching her. He wanted to be familiar and charming but he couldn’t think of anything to say, funny or poignant.

“So, tell me what has been happening,” he said, looking away.

Lori laughed a little and said, “Let me open that wine.”

She got up to get a corkscrew from the kitchen and passed Bilko touching his knees with her fingertips.

That was the moment. He could hold back no longer, he either had to have her or be refused, and it would be fine either way.

Bilko reached for her flannel shirt and when she didn’t resist, he pulled her to him. Then he put his hands under her shirt and caressed her breasts.

He moaned audibly and Lori put her arms around him as a mother with a child. Lori leaned down to kiss him.

Her lips were soft and warm, nulling what inhibitions he had left.

He kissed her hard, pulling her to the couch. His arms and hands moved under her body pressing her to him.

Her shirt was off and he was kissing her chest and breasts and stomach. She was struggling with his pants.

She said, “Billy, let’s go into the other room.”

Bilko stopped.

“Come on, lets go into the other room, it will be nicer.”

Bilko stood, shuddering, shaking, anguished and said, “I can’t. I have to go.” and then, “I am sorry.” He left without looking back.

Only moments after he arrived, Bilko was again in the car smoking a cigarette, driving back to the bar he had just left, unsure what had happened, thinking nothing had happened, wishing it had never happened.

Anticipation, Surrender, Release

It had been a struggle. When Lori stepped away from Bilko that night, she took part of him with her.

She had hold of him. She pleasured him and baited him and held his attention from the moment he got up in the morning wondering, imagining what she was doing, until the time he went to bed at night.

In her eyes, he saw anticipation, suspense, surrender and release. He craved the touch of her skin, her face, her eyes, her breasts. Her body was all he could think about.

He watched Hormat playing with Sara and wondered how he could feel this way. He could not hurt Hormat; he had to see Lori.

But for those three days, the card Lori gave him with her phone number on it remained in his pocket.

Then his father came with a message that someone named Lori had called for him, Bilko could wait no longer.

Going into Town

When Lori left, she took something warm. Bilko suddenly felt a little cold and solitary, unsure what to do. He lit a cigarette and scanned the area.

It was busy, herds of people, couples kissing, families carefully shepherded along by mom or dad, and a few men standing around smoking.

He checked the air for his name, he looked around for the flash of a knowing glance.

Nothing out of the ordinary. But Bilko felt removed from his familiar surroundings. He wandered on to finish his rounds, distracted.

He hadn’t done anything and wouldn’t do anything.

Why was he irritable? For several days, he walked the carnival with her number in his pocket. He didn’t call.

Then, about a week before Jubilee! was to leave San Diego, he found a message waiting for him at the maintenance trailer.

That night, he sent a runner to tell Hormat he had to go into town.

He went to see Lori.