Category: Jubilee!

Bilko stayed and drank until the bar closed.

When he got back to Jubilee! it was late and very dark. And he was drunk. The unlit tents and rides formed eerie patterns among the stars.

A German Shepherd pulling a guard opened the gate for him, saying, “Better get some sleep, Mr. Dilmac. Sun up soon.”

It was going to be daybreak in just a few hours. Tonight was already miserable and tomorrow would be worse. Bilko regretted everything that had happened over the last three days. It seemed like a nightmare.

He staggered toward the rear of a shrouded stick joint and threw up.

And now, he was probably going to have the hangover of his lifetime. He could already feel it in his stomach.

As he neared their trailer, he could see a light on. He had hoped, prayed that Hormat would be asleep. What was he going to say?

Got drunk. Met an old buddy from San Diego and got drunk- that would work. It should work.

When he climbed into the trailer, he saw Hormat sitting, at the table in their tiny kitchenette, knitting.

Bilko headed directly to the small refrigerator they had to get a beer. He washed the taste of vomit out of his mouth and turned timidly toward her.

“You still…,” Bilko started.

“You saw Lori, didn’t you?” Hormat interrupted.

Old buddy, San Diego, could still work, Bilko thought, “Yeah,” he said as cheerily as his surprise would allow him, “ we…”

“Did you fuck her?” Hormat interrupted again, without looking up.

Nothing was going to work. Couldn’t think, smoked too much, had a stuffy nose and he was sick. Bilko surrendered to justice.

“No,” he said shaking his head and looking down. “I am so sorry, Mattie. I don’t know what I was thinking, If I had had a brain in my head, I would never had even seen her.”

“Get out!” Hormat said, getting up. “You don’t live here anymore. Do you hear me? Get out!”

Hormat locked the door behind him as he stumbled off the small porch and into the dark.

When Bilko left the carnival that afternoon, he was wearing a t-shirt and carried his Pall Malls rolled up in his right arm sleeve.

He thought he should call Lori before going over, so he stopped at a bar near the address on the card she gave him, he could get something to drink, relax and think a little.

It was a quiet place with a billiard table in the rear. The lights were low, a few people talking. The lissome golden spirits he drank tickled his spine and relaxed his neck.

He could talk to a friend if he wanted to, he told himself. He didn’t have to say anything to Hormat. It was his business. He was a living, breathing person, after all.

An image of Lori’s eyes, her expression changing ever so subtly as he enters her, flashed through his mind. No! That wouldn’t happen. It would be the end of everything. So, what was he doing there, anyway?, he asked himself, but the question seemed irrelevant.

Bilko lit a cigarette and withdrew her card from his back pocket. He put it on the bar in front of him, careful not to get it wet, and stared at it for a long time before picking it up.

In front of the pay phone, he was twisting from side to side, nervously passing the phone from hand to hand, patting his stomach and wishing it was smaller. If she didn’t answer on the third ring, he would hang up and go home. He could just go home.

She answered on the second. It was her. That was Lori’s voice, but more real, alive than he remembered it. Bilko stopped for a second, then pushed on.

He coughed out a crusty ‘Hi, its me, Billy!’ and received a delighted response. His arm across his chest, he squeezed his right bicep hard.

If she wasn’t busy…

She wasn’t busy…. Just reading.

Bilko put down the receiver and patted his stomach again, tucking it inside his pants, and left the bar.

On his way to her apartment, he bought some flowers and a small box of candy and a bottle of wine.

He was exterior now, operating his reluctant, but excited body from the outside. He got out of the car, buzzed her apartment, heard the door unbolt and walked up the dimly lit stairs.

Then, she was standing in front of him in bare feet, pajama bottoms and a heavy flannel shirt covered with teddy bears. She raised up on her toes and put her arms around him.

Bilko could feel the full length of her body against his, he picked her up and pulled her close with one hand on her back and the other on her buttocks.

Putting her down, his hands slid from her stomach over the smooth curves of her hips to her legs- it was as though she was wearing nothing at all.

He grinned.

She took the gifts inside to the coffee table in front of the couch.

“Well, come in, Billy,” she said, smiling at the man at the door.

Bilko flushed a little and laughed, his hands were sweaty. He walked to the couch and sat, watching her. He wanted to be familiar and charming but he couldn’t think of anything to say, funny or poignant.

“So, tell me what has been happening,” he said, looking away.

Lori laughed a little and said, “Let me open that wine.”

She got up to get a corkscrew from the kitchen and passed Bilko touching his knees with her fingertips.

That was the moment. He could hold back no longer, he either had to have her or be refused, and it would be fine either way.

Bilko reached for her flannel shirt and when she didn’t resist, he pulled her to him. Then he put his hands under her shirt and caressed her breasts.

He moaned audibly and Lori put her arms around him as a mother with a child. Lori leaned down to kiss him.

Her lips were soft and warm, nulling what inhibitions he had left.

He kissed her hard, pulling her to the couch. His arms and hands moved under her body pressing her to him.

Her shirt was off and he was kissing her chest and breasts and stomach. She was struggling with his pants.

She said, “Billy, let’s go into the other room.”

Bilko stopped.

“Come on, lets go into the other room, it will be nicer.”

Bilko stood, shuddering, shaking, anguished and said, “I can’t. I have to go.” and then, “I am sorry.” He left without looking back.

Only moments after he arrived, Bilko was again in the car smoking a cigarette, driving back to the bar he had just left, unsure what had happened, thinking nothing had happened, wishing it had never happened.

It had been a struggle. When Lori stepped away from Bilko that night, she took part of him with her.

She had hold of him. She pleasured him and baited him and held his attention from the moment he got up in the morning wondering, imagining what she was doing, until the time he went to bed at night.

In her eyes, he saw anticipation, suspense, surrender and release. He craved the touch of her skin, her face, her eyes, her breasts. Her body was all he could think about.

He watched Hormat playing with Sara and wondered how he could feel this way. He could not hurt Hormat; he had to see Lori.

But for those three days, the card Lori gave him with her phone number on it remained in his pocket.

Then his father came with a message that someone named Lori had called for him, Bilko could wait no longer.

When Lori left, she took something warm. Bilko suddenly felt a little cold and solitary, unsure what to do. He lit a cigarette and scanned the area.

It was busy, herds of people, couples kissing, families carefully shepherded along by mom or dad, and a few men standing around smoking.

He checked the air for his name, he looked around for the flash of a knowing glance.

Nothing out of the ordinary. But Bilko felt removed from his familiar surroundings. He wandered on to finish his rounds, distracted.

He hadn’t done anything and wouldn’t do anything.

Why was he irritable? For several days, he walked the carnival with her number in his pocket. He didn’t call.

Then, about a week before Jubilee! was to leave San Diego, he found a message waiting for him at the maintenance trailer.

That night, he sent a runner to tell Hormat he had to go into town.

He went to see Lori.

Lori smiled brightly, jumping up and down in front of him, “Yes, it is!” She yelled, embracing him in a full hug that actually lifted her off the ground as Bilko stood up straight and took a step back.

He was surprised, he didn’t recognize her at first. He dropped his cigarette into the sawdust and scrubbed it out with his foot, then took another look at this girl that suddenly came out of the warm night.

She was wearing a polka dotted pleat skirt and bikini top; she was smiling and her hands were clasped together in front of her. On her head was dixie cup sailor hat with the brim pulled firmly over her short hair covering her ears.

When Bilko hesitated, she pulled the dixie cup hat off of her head and, nodding, smiled even more brightly.

“I found you!” She said, “Why didn’t you answer my letters?” She took his hand and gave it a tug.

Bilko was confused for a moment, “letters?” He said. There had been only one that he knew of.

“Yeah!” She replied with a cute up-tick on the trail of the word, “You didn’t get them?” She asked, her mouth open, peering up at him as though peeking under a mask he might be wearing. “Its me, Lori, from the hospital. Remember?”

“Yes,” Bilko said with a laugh, “I remember. Just surprised.” He looked at her appreciatively, then glanced around the busy carnival to see what eyes were upon him. A townie and a carnie talking like that, the carnies would notice.

“I have  been trying to find you for the longest time,” she said, “why did you run off like that?”

A magician, she conjured memories, textures, thoughts from the black box where he had kept them, only occasionally kissed by their presence. Lori now held both of his hands in hers.

Bilko’s eyes flickered to the ground and her sandals, “Well, you know, Brion…” His words were slow and awkwardly spaced. Thoughts about Brion, guilt, her soft thighs and how light her skin was; it was like warm cream.

She laughed, “Yes, I know. I shouldn’t have said that. I am just glad to find you again, You know? Hey! Can we get together? Later.” She pointed into the crowd, “I am here with some girlfriends, but later? What do you say?” She nodded, urging him to say yes.

Confusion. “Uh, I have to work,” Bilko said. He was having trouble thinking clearly.

“I know, I know. You are working. But I want to hear about it all!” she sounded excited, “the carnival and everything. It’s soooo cool!”

It didn’t really matter, right? Just words. He didn’t have to do anything.

“Let’s do it, but how do I find you?” Bilko said, upbeat and interested, but vaguely aware that he might be losing his footing in the tide of a great ocean.

But he could do nothing. Hormat, the baby. It was impossible. His feet slipping from the ocean floor.

“OK, OK,” Lori continued, “Here,” she handed him something, “Here is my card. I am a practical nurse,” she said with a proud twinkle, “Give me a call. Here’s my home number, anytime.”

But Lori was a friend, they had shared Brion, they had shared more. It might have been much more if it had not been for his death. There is nothing wrong with talking to friends, especially an old friend. They didn’t have to do anything.

“Right!” He said.

Bilko flowed out of his body and around Lori touching her every part.

“Call me, Billy, I have missed you,” Lori said and kissed him on the cheek. Slowly releasing his hands, she walked into the crowd.  A moment later, he saw her again, waving to him and then she was gone.

They were in San Diego; the night was warm. The air was thick with the sounds of people talking, barkers, bally-hoo and insects flapping both clumsily and testily against bare incandescents. The sound was voiceless, it was a spirit.

As Bilko walked passed the Big Wheel, ferris wheel, it appeared to rise up against the night sky in the full spot of the Klieg lamp focussed on it.

He was doing his rounds, wearing what he called his uniform: a gray baseball cap, gray shirt and gray slacks. It identified him to other carnival personnel as maintenance, it made him invisible to the townies.

When he came to the tea cup ride, he paused for a moment to take a big drag from his Pall Mall. There was a tug on his shoulder and he turned to see a young woman scrutinizing him through her glasses.

“Is that you, Billy?” She asked.

Through the rainy season, the carnies mostly kept to themselves. In spite of the fact that Jubilee! was popular with both the locals and tourists, the carnies were not allowed in many establishments. Bars even posted, “no carnies allowed!”, on their doors.

But the movies were no problem and, though they were welcome at most restaurants, they preferred their own cooking and seldom went.

Orguz and Sara got along well together. Orguz liked Sara, calling her his “little bug” and adopted a big brotherly manner around her. Sara could walk now and enjoyed dressing up and playing ball games with Orguz.

This off-road time was a relaxed even lazy time for many. It was a time for family and a time to catch up on things put away for the road.

Vafa liked to write about his adventures in a series of little journals he never showed anyone.

Bilko made extra money working on cars, buying some in town, fixing them up and selling them again, putting whatever he made toward his and Hormat’s future plans

Leila loved to sew, and she was also good at crochet and knitting. Aata cooked. She made bakery for the Cantina and friends.

On the weekends, the pair would open a small concession in front of the Jubilee! main office, Aata selling her cookies and buns, while Leila sold clothes.

It was an easy time, but by the time ghost night came around again, everyone was ready again for the road, and excitement filled the air.

For the Russian River folk, ghost night was just as interesting as it had been for the easterners. Townies lined both sides of the highway to see the lights and watch the empty rides turn through the night while the music poured eerily down the river.

When the first tour date came around, the long long caravan of carnie vehicles drove eagerly and even triumphantly out the same east gate they had not so long ago limped home through in exhaustion.

That Autumn, tired carnies poured in through the east gate to the back lot near the river. Dust covered trucks and trailers, sunburnt and road dirty arms hung out truck windows with cigarettes dangling from their fingertips, men shouted and the big equipment creaked fearfully.

It took almost all day for the big trucks to sway clumsily through the gates down the dusty dry mud road and finally park, it was well after dark before the gates were finally closed and locked.

Remarkably, there were only a few disagreements about parking places and just one fist fight. For the most part, everyone was so tired they hurried to settle, relax, sleep and in some cases drink.

The following day, the hearty were out spraying down their trailers and making the patch of mud and weed that was theirs a little livable. There were some makeshift barbecues, clothes lines were strung between trailers, boxes nailed together for small staircases. Most slept.

That night, the food concessions put what food and drink was remaining from the road together and there was a big party amid strings of stinging lights sectioning off different areas of the backlot.

Sometime during the lazy week that followed, Vafa, Bilko’s father, came by with some letters that had arrived while they were on tour.

There was a bill from a dentist for $41, a root canal Bilko had forgotten about, and one from Lori McMahon. She had heard about the carnival, wondered how he was doing, did he still remember her?

Bilko did.

He was also a little surprised and flattered that she would bother to contact him. He showed the letter to Hormat and explained that this was the Lori that he had told her about, Brion Gysin’s nurse.

Hormat didn’t look at the letter, she just told him not to answer it.

And Bilko didn’t.

Sara was born while Jubilee! was in its first season on the west coast. When the carnival returned to Russian River late that Autumn, construction of a smaller version year-round carnival to be located at the river had just begun.

There were tractors, shovels, holes and contractors on both sides of the highway in front of the main office, that in spite of the bill boards and signs, still looked very much like the abandoned motel it was.

By the time Jubilee! hit the road for its second tour, Leila had made a colorful sling back carrier for Hormat out of pieces of some of Hormat’s scarves and old costumes.

Hormat now dressed as a poor gypsy girl in loose cotton and linen dresses that now covered her from shoulder to ankle carrying Sara around the carnival on her back. She was a very effective advertisement for the fortune teller.

As Sara took her first steps, Leila was there with tiny costumes that matched her mother’s.

When Jubilee! ended it tour the following autumn, construction had nearly completed and the place looked very much like a new amusement park with visitors already arriving.

The Jubilee! Cantina had opened offering a selection of food from around the world, including soups and snacks like hummus, pita and french fries.

The gift shop was open, selling giant sweet lollipops imprinted with a colorful outline of a big ferris wheel and tents, picture post cards featuring Jubilee!, trinkets and toys of every sort.

There was a museum with a history of the Jubilee! in pictures and a timeline, including posters from many of its famous attractions.

The 10-in-one show was just opening with sword swallowing and body piercing, a bearded lady and a cow with a human face.

For 18-year olds and above, there would soon be a poser in which almost-nudes would pose as famous works of art.

For the kids, there was already a small ferris wheel, a merry-go-round, a weight and age joint, dart and pellet gun games, ball throws and pony and donkey rides.

Jugglers, gymnasts and walking concessioners touring the grounds dressed in peasant costumes of the 19th and 20th centuries were planned for the following summer.

At the river’s edge, they were building a small pier where there would be boats for rent and a guided white water rafting experience available by appointment.

And among the concessions In the parking lots and in front of the main compound were those selling hot dogs, ice cream and cotton candy. And there was also a frozen banana stand that offered bananas covered in chocolate or carob, nuts and non-pareil.